Christmas is usually my favorite time of the year. I love the traditions and the time with family. I love the baking and cooking and the smells in my house from the cinammon. I love the music and the shopping and the picking of that just perfect gift for the people I love. I love sending the Christmas cards and I love receiving them. I love the decorating and sitting in my living room at night with the lights off and only the tree lights blinking. Sometimes, I am alone. Sometimes, Mad Hatter will join me and we will talk. And sometimes my kids are there.
This year however, I must confess something.
I have faked my Christmas spirit.
Honestly, I did not set out to fake it this year. I knew that I wasn't "feeling it" this year but I kept figuring that if I went ahead and forced myself to do stuff then it would eventually just all fall into place.
So I went Christmas shopping not once, not twice, but four times. I went with Mad Hatter once, twice with friends and this past weekend I went with Cheshire Cat and Aiden. I have baked every weekend since Thanksgiving and given gifts of food to all that we know. I sent out Christmas cards. We decorated the house and tree and wrapped presents and hung the stockings on the chimney with care. We have a little one here alot now and at 4 years old he still believes in Santa. I love that. We went to see the lights out at the lake and stopped at Santa's Workshop for cookies and hot chocolate. We have done fundraisers, this past weekend we did a food drive and we have tried to give back to the community and among our friends.
I watched Christmas movies, put on my Christmassy earrings and even wore a damn red and green sweatshirt while serving hot chocolate during the Christmas parade.
Dammit....I have tried.
But it's still missing.
This has been a tough year, health wise for alot of people in our families. And it's getting a bit tougher. Mad Hatter received a call from his mom tonight about his grandmother. They are not sure if she is going to make it. She is in the hospital and has an infection in her blood. They had to remove one of her veins and have her doped up on morphine and tons of antibiotics but it's strictly a wait and see thing now. I am praying for her now and feeling a bit selfish too. I don't want to leave my kids here to go up there for Christmas, but I will if we need to. Mad Hatter is incredibly stressed out about all of this and I truly understand where he is coming from. I have had problems with both my mom and my dad's health this year. So, I am just praying to get through Christmas and hoping that everything turns out okay.
But I still can't find my Christmas spirit.