Thursday, August 21, 2008


I have had bad days. I have had bad weeks. Hell, occasionally I have had bad months. But this month....this month just sucks.
I am sitting here right now awaiting a phone call. A phone calling telling me that my mom has died. And I am having a really hard time trying to figure out how I feel exactly.
My relationship with my mom was always difficult. We tried, somewhat, both of us at different times. She would make an effort and I would avoid it, then I would make an effort and she would avoid it. It just never really seemed to work out.
Then seven years ago she had a stroke. About 3 years before her stroke she was diagnosed with MS. About a year before the stroke she had fallen at work and broken her back. That was the beginning of the end.
She has been in a nursing home for the past seven years. About four years ago she pretty much stopped communicating with everyone. She didn't recognize me on my trips back to Missouri and she just pretty much gave up all hope.
I have tried to make it back there at least once a year and spend time with her. I just got back.
Last Friday my brother called me to tell me that she was not getting any better. She had contracted pneumonia after having her feeding tube put in and the antibiotics were not helping. The doctor told him to contact the family and get them here.
So Dormouse and I packed up her car and headed up there. We drove all night and arrived the next morning. She made it through the night and everyone was amazed that she was getting better. Her breathing was starting to get better and she was finally able to cough which was necessary in helping to clear up her lungs. By Monday she was focusing on our faces and it seemed that, at least for now, she was gonna be okay. Her sister had flown in from California and we both needed to be getting back home so Wednesday afternoon I headed back and today her sister headed back to California.
She took a turn for the worse.
Her lungs started filling with fluid again and she couldn't breathe. Her oxygen levels dipped down into the low 80's and now her kidneys are starting to fail. It could happen at any time.
I know she has not had any kind of life for a very long time now. She doesn't talk, she doesn't really recognize anyone. She doesn't watch tv, she doesn't participate in anything. She sleeps. She wakes up and she naps again. Now that she has a feeding tube she doesn't even get to eat the pureed stuff they have been feeding her for the past few years. So even the pleasure of eating is gone. I know that it would probably be better for her....her body is worn out and is pretty much done but its really hard to let go...She's only 59 years old. I really thought that I would be relieved. I thought that it would be better for her...she's suffering so much and I know this. But there is a part of me...this part of me that has longed for a relationship with my mother like the one that I have with my daughters. I want to be able to call her and tell her what is going on. I want her to call me and tell me what is going on in her life. I want to be able to go shopping with her, go to the movies, have a holiday celebration. I want all of this and more.
I just want another chance to do it all again.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Bullet posts....the lazy bloggers friend

Because I am so scatterbrained and can't seem to keep up on anything I am doing I have decided that I will just bullet point the highlights to save time. There are so many different things that I could think of to write about but sometimes having too much to say is just every bit as bad as having nothing to say.

1. Dormouse is safely home where she belongs. Her friend came over yesterday to wait for her and brought the baby and since Dormouse wasn't going to be home until tonight she and the baby just stayed over. Was very very strange to wake up to a crying baby last night.
2. I broke my toe. And it hurts.
3. Cheshire Cat has officially been laid off from her job and is now unemployed. She will begin looking for a new job as soon as she stops hyperventilating.
4. Today was Cheshire Cat's boyfriends birthday. Don't remember if I ever introduced him but since he has become a main character we will just call him Al. His little boy is Aiden. (Cant seem to shorten Also, Dormouse's friend and the baby will hereafter be referred to as Em and Jay. We got a cake and when the girls got home we were able to have cake and ice cream.
5. Did I mention that I broke my toe and it hurts?
6. Jack's (the dog just in case you are wondering) fur was all dead on the undercoat and we have been having a terrible time trying to get it under control and unmatting it. Well...I always wanted a hairless dog and I now seem to have one. He was completely shaved this weekend and is now about a third of his normal size. He looks so pathetic and I feel so badly for him. He wont be able to go on walks for awhile cause I don't know if his ego can handle the other dogs laughing at him.
7. Caterpillar decided that he wanted to be able to see instead of having shaggy hair. Instead of waiting for the next day so I could take him to get his hair cut he decided that he would cut it himself. He now has VERY short hair.
8. Toe still hurting here.
9. The good news about the toe thing is that it has taken my mind off my hurt shoulder.
10. I spent all day Saturday cleaning Dormouse's room (and hyperventilating) and went through all of his clothes. I now have two HUGE bags of clothes to take to goodwill unless anyone happens to need boys shirts in a size 16-18. The pants never make it to goodwill as he is way too hard on them.
11. I hear a mouse!!!!!!!!!!
12. Crap! I just checked and its in the damn trap. Everyone is asleep, dammit.
13. Tomorrow is Monday.........I hate Mondays
14. I have almost completed back to school shopping. Maybe a couple more pairs of jeans and a few shirts.
15. It's gonna be a very very very long and complicated week.